Trains & Sewing Machines (Hide and Seek)

Mmmm What ya say?
Mmm That you only meant well?
Of course you did.
Mmmm What ya say,
Mmmm That it's all for the best?
Of course it is.



You won't catch me around here.

Finally.

I got myself an answer.

I'm so exausted.

Sorry this has been kind of depressing and vague lately. I don't know what the point of blogging is if I'm just gonna be a little bitch about it, ha. Totally not my style. I just feel like, I have no other outlet for any of this shit, so this is gonna have to do.

Um. I've come to the point once again where I've waited so long (...five days? Shut up it feels like months) and stressed so much and been so anxious for so long that, no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine. Like, I've always know that, but any sort of concrete answer is going to be a relief.

Am I being ungrateful? Am I taking this all for granted? No, I don't think so. I'm doing whatever I can to make things happen. If it happens, then it will be one of those success stories where I didn't give up to get what I want. If it doesn't happen, then at least I can't say I didn't do everything in my power.

I'm totally deleting all of these posts as soon as I find out. Sorry. I usually don't get this personal on any sort of public forum, but I'm sort of coming apart at the seams right now.

Monday morning...

Bittersweet,
You're gonna be the death of me.
I don't want you, but I need you,
I love you and hate you at the very same time.


See what I want so much, should never hurt this bad.

For the first time in a long time...

I feel very alone in this.

From a hotel bed...

I'm writing this late at Friday night on my BlackBerry from a hotel bed. I'm going a little nuts right now.

Most people would find this hard to believe, but I am an intensely private person. That's why sometimes this whole blog thing gets a little wierd for me.

By the time Monday morning rolls around, I'll be facing the biggest decision of my life. It's a little intimidating. I don't even know if anyone reads this, but if you do, could you cross your fingers for me?

I guess this is what I've been working so hard for, so it shouldn't really come as a huge surprise, right?

No matter what I choose, things are going to change for me, in a big way.

Life doesn't always go as planned.

Oh hey August.

I copied the following from an email I sent to my professor/BFF Susan Van Kirk this morning. It pretty much sums things up.

I can't beLIEVE I leave LA in under 2 weeks. WHAT?! My parents come out this Friday (yay!) and then I take off the following Friday. WHATWHATWHAT?!?!?! It's insane. Like, after a whole year of preparation to make sure I got my ass back out here, part of me feels like the summer FLEW by! But another part of me doesn't since I was such a headcase for half of it. Regardless, it's so wierd that it's coming to a close. The fall is going to be crazy. I'm excited (and nervous) to come home, and then go back to school. With all of the projects I've got lined up, it's sure to be a big semester (and year) both inside the classroom and out of it. And PS, I'm a senior. Ummm... But yea. This might be one of those times where I can't look at my BlackBerry calender's whole month, and will just have to see it day by day. If i realize how jam packed the months are going to be, that will just fast track my guaranteed senior year meltdown, bahaha. But I'm always way busier than I should be, so this shouldn't be anything different. Right?


Don't wish it away.