First Day. !

My first day at as Press Manager at MTV went very, very well. Here's a quick rundown:

Got up, showered, got dressed, blah blah blah. My outfit was very “Mad Men,” great for a first day. My first thought as I put on my dress pants was “Oh my god you can totally see my dick through these pants.” Well I made it work. Or worked it. However you want to look at it. (I am classier before eight in the morning than most people are ALL DAY. Clearly.) Rode to work, fixed my bike hair, got my badge from Loretta the security guard/psychic/witch doctor (swear to god she predicted I was getting hired for this job. “Baby just make sure they pay you this time!” Thanks Loretta.) And I made my way up to fourth floor to my new desk.

It really felt like my bosses were happy to see me. I know that sounds stupid, but I really do like them all, a lot, so that was nice. Got things situated, and just sort of started with the day. And then the interns got there. The interns. I have interns. What? Ridiculous. I can not take myself seriously at any given time. They've all only been there a day or two, so it was nice. So the morning was spent getting myself and them situated. Juggling phones and publicists and paperwork. And alliteration, apparently.

Since I interned in the same department this summer, and especially because I was the only intern there for two weeks at the end of the summer, I already know a lot of that I need to do for this job, which is really nice. I'm trying to cover my bases and learn all of the stuff I don't know before I need to do it. Like, what the hell is an invoice and how do I do one electronically. Why am I handling the corporate card? Eek! I'm determined to figure this all out by the end of this week.

In the afternoon, I had to interview another potential intern (WHAT.) which would have been fine, but when I ran down to the lobby, it was apparently a great time to have a FIRE DRILL. So here's me dragging this poor girl outside while trying to get to know her but not start the interview yet, meanwhile a ton of people from around the office kept being like “oh my GOD you work here now? SHUT UP!” Plus it was hot as balls. Great. But we finally got back in the building and I interviewed her (no really, just roll that one around) and gave her the job.

The rest of the day was spent just, you know, doing my job! I love it, I really do. I feel so happy, like I'm in the right place. And I know that there will be days when it's going to be a huge bitch, but I'm ready.

Anyway. I'm excited to go back tomorrow!

I just finished drafting my second appeal to Monmouth. And it's good, I mean real good. But you know what? At this point, it feels like no matter what I write or how good it is, it's not going to matter. I am trying to tell myself that I'm not fighting a losing battle here. I guess we'll see.

"and I think there’s a reason
At least there’s a sign
And all that we call chaos
I will say it’s by design
But I’m just lying

What you need is a sharp knife, son
To come back down from an all time low"
Sharp Knife - Third Eye Blind

Well.

Amidst everything going on right now, tomorrow morning I start my job. It's the catalyst for everything lately, and it's finally here. I'm content. I'm anxious. I'm ready.

So here's the thing.

Remember when Monmouth told me that I was clear to do my senior year from Los Angeles and graduate on time?

Yea, so do I.

I got the ok from all of the professors I'd be working with and set up how we would do it and all, and then some guy I've never met comes out of no where and rejects my whole plan because he has a problem with me taking Citizenship as an independent study. Out of all the classes, Citizenship? Whatever.

Fun fact: Citizenship is a Monmouth Core Class, meaning I can only take it at Monmouth. So if I can't take this class, I can't graduate from Monmouth, making it pointless for me to take any classes from there while I'm out here.

So I was free to appeal his decision to some admissions board, and everyone told me i had a really good chance to have it passed, especially because they just had a situation like this come up, and the student appealed and had it granted. So I appealed.

When I landed at LAX yesterday, I turned on my BlackBerry and was informed that my appeal had been rejected.

That was Friday afternoon. I emailed Doc and just said "My appeal got denied, I don't really know where to go from here." I think there's one more appeal process I can go through with some Dean, but at this point, I keep thinking, what's the point? If they're not gonna let me do this, then they're not gonna let me do this. I can appeal it 300 times and that won't change anything.

It just blows my mind that it's ONE CLASS, and the professor and I sat down and went over the plan of how we'd do it, and everything was just great. And now some guy that I don't know, who doesn't know me, doesn't know my work, doesn't know anything about me, has the right to put the breaks on my last year of college, telling me I can't graduate from Monmouth. Pardon the language, but that's fucked up.

So i just don't know what I'm going to do. I can't help but feel really betrayed by Monmouth at this point. Everyone on the faculty has been telling me that it's the school's job to help me succeed, so I'm like THEN HELP ME SUCCEED. It all just seems so backwards at this point. Small school politics? I hope not.

I just can't understand it.

But I will not be told that I am making a mistake. I know that I'm doing the right thing. I just didn't expect to be punished for doing so.

Friday Morning.

Well, Thursday night I guess, but it's twelve minutes after midnight so I can still call it Friday morning.

I'm all packed and ready to go. I'm not nervous or anxious or freaking out, I'm just, ready. I have a good feeling that once I get there, it's going to feel like breathing a huge sigh of relief. That's what I'm betting on, at least.

I STILL haven't heard back from Monmouth. But I'm thinking that no news is good news. It would be the case that my ability to finish school and graduate from college while LA would come down to my ability to take one class. No no, not my ability, the willingness of someone I've never meant to give me "the ok" to do this. I'm honestly not worried. I'm ready to fight for this.

Um. While I fully understand what I'm doing/what I'm about to do, I still don't think it's really hit me yet. But I don't mean that to sound as if I'm unprepared. Me? Unprepared? Please.

I'm sure that my suitcases weigh too much to be checked tomorrow. Shit.

All dramatics and poetics aside, I'm just, ready.

And lucky.

Sunday Morning.

It's Sunday, and I'm trying to pull together a list of everything I need to do before I leave this coming Saturday Friday, apparently. I love making lists, I'm so OCD. Here's what I've got so far.

Buy plane tickets
Purchase text books
Take the train into Chicago to see my best friend Michael.
Buy a few pairs of slim fitting dress pants that don't make me look like an orphan.
Mail mixes/the new 3eb album to Kassi, Mo, and Matt.
Order the rush shirts for the guys
Not forget that I still am a college student and actually have work to do.
The Garage
The Overpass

ALSO: Third Eye Blind's new album came out this past week. I'm obviously a huge 3eb fan, and I was very excited to hear it. I was a little apprehensive though, because it's taken them six years to get this one out, and I wasn't sure it was possible for anything to live up to that much hype. Well I'm happy to say, it did. I really can't explain how killer this album is, from beginning to end, it's a hit. Part of me feels like it was written especially for me at this point and time in my life, go figure. It's kind of funny, I started my summer off with Third Eye Blind, seeing them in Chicago two days before I left for L.A., and now I'm ending my summer with them.

Wow.

Well, I guess it's time to come clean, sort of exlain why the last few posts have been so uncharacteristically melancholy. I hate that word.

I feel like my life has never moved faster than it has in the last two weeks. It's funny, because most of the time, it felt like the minutes were crawling by, but in retrospect, it all happed so quickly.

I'm going to keep this update short, because I'm still feeling a little rough around the edges, but here it is:

I'm the new manager of MTV Press in Los Angeles.

Wow.

The facts are these:
The whole process started the week before I left LA, and I was officially hired the day before I left. Talk about last minute. This is the dream job, plain and simple. I'm not dropping out of school to do this, Monmouth is actually working with me so I can finish my degree via email and graduate on time, which I am incredibly grateful for. I now take back every bad thing I've ever said about the school because of how awesome they're being with letting me finish from LA and everything. Haha. I move back to Los Angeles at the end of this coming week. And I do mean move back. For good.

Again. Wow.

I spent the middle of the week in Monmouth figuring out school and hanging with my friends one last time. Goodbyes are not something I'd ever like to get good at. But really, it's never goodbye, right?



I am going to miss them so, so much. I can't even go into it.



But I know I am making the right decision. It's time. It just feels like the next natural step.

Where The Sidewalk Ends.

I promise that my blog will stop being so vague and ominous once I'm able to get this all out in the open. Until then, bear with me?

I have such a mixture of feelings lately, I just don't know how to deal with them. Or what that means. Awesome.

I'm going to Monmouth Tuesday through Thursday, and to be honest, I'm dreading it. Heart break across the board. No one knows, so I can't even talk about it right now, and it's driving me crazy. And every time I DO talk about it, it doesn't even sound real coming out of my mouth.

I read the poem “Where The Sidewalk Ends” today, on SVK's suggestion. I wish it made more sense to me right now.

On the upside, I got a haircut today and wore a great outfit. I look fucking awesome.

I know of a different “Where The Sidewalk Ends” that's a little more appropriate.

“We're falling apart,
we're breaking a little,
we're leaving our hearts
with a hole in the middle
It'll take a little while
but the riddle is just,
we can talk of killing time,
but time is killing us.

Get up get up
stay up, have faith.
Things are gonna work out ok.
Maybe someway, maybe someday,
we will meet again.

The sidewalk ends where the sky begins,
time can hurt, but time can cleanse.
The sidewalk ends where the sky begins,
the sky's the limit don't cry at the edge.”

- Invisible Inc.

Trains & Sewing Machines (Hide and Seek)

Mmmm What ya say?
Mmm That you only meant well?
Of course you did.
Mmmm What ya say,
Mmmm That it's all for the best?
Of course it is.



You won't catch me around here.

Finally.

I got myself an answer.

I'm so exausted.

Sorry this has been kind of depressing and vague lately. I don't know what the point of blogging is if I'm just gonna be a little bitch about it, ha. Totally not my style. I just feel like, I have no other outlet for any of this shit, so this is gonna have to do.

Um. I've come to the point once again where I've waited so long (...five days? Shut up it feels like months) and stressed so much and been so anxious for so long that, no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine. Like, I've always know that, but any sort of concrete answer is going to be a relief.

Am I being ungrateful? Am I taking this all for granted? No, I don't think so. I'm doing whatever I can to make things happen. If it happens, then it will be one of those success stories where I didn't give up to get what I want. If it doesn't happen, then at least I can't say I didn't do everything in my power.

I'm totally deleting all of these posts as soon as I find out. Sorry. I usually don't get this personal on any sort of public forum, but I'm sort of coming apart at the seams right now.

Monday morning...

Bittersweet,
You're gonna be the death of me.
I don't want you, but I need you,
I love you and hate you at the very same time.


See what I want so much, should never hurt this bad.

For the first time in a long time...

I feel very alone in this.

From a hotel bed...

I'm writing this late at Friday night on my BlackBerry from a hotel bed. I'm going a little nuts right now.

Most people would find this hard to believe, but I am an intensely private person. That's why sometimes this whole blog thing gets a little wierd for me.

By the time Monday morning rolls around, I'll be facing the biggest decision of my life. It's a little intimidating. I don't even know if anyone reads this, but if you do, could you cross your fingers for me?

I guess this is what I've been working so hard for, so it shouldn't really come as a huge surprise, right?

No matter what I choose, things are going to change for me, in a big way.

Life doesn't always go as planned.

Oh hey August.

I copied the following from an email I sent to my professor/BFF Susan Van Kirk this morning. It pretty much sums things up.

I can't beLIEVE I leave LA in under 2 weeks. WHAT?! My parents come out this Friday (yay!) and then I take off the following Friday. WHATWHATWHAT?!?!?! It's insane. Like, after a whole year of preparation to make sure I got my ass back out here, part of me feels like the summer FLEW by! But another part of me doesn't since I was such a headcase for half of it. Regardless, it's so wierd that it's coming to a close. The fall is going to be crazy. I'm excited (and nervous) to come home, and then go back to school. With all of the projects I've got lined up, it's sure to be a big semester (and year) both inside the classroom and out of it. And PS, I'm a senior. Ummm... But yea. This might be one of those times where I can't look at my BlackBerry calender's whole month, and will just have to see it day by day. If i realize how jam packed the months are going to be, that will just fast track my guaranteed senior year meltdown, bahaha. But I'm always way busier than I should be, so this shouldn't be anything different. Right?


Don't wish it away.