we haven't lost it all yet.

I really just need to get back to school, I think. I'm having a blast over break, and I've still got a lot of fun stuff to do, but I'd just sort of like to...get on with it already.

I don't even know what so expect out of this semester. One more semester and then I'm done. I'm just worried that like, none of it is real. I'm not even sure what I mean by that. It's like, it's only five and a half months, and then I'm going to have to go through this all over again. Or that's what it feels like. I just don't see the point of investing in a whole slew of new things since I'll be leaving for good (no seriously this time...) again so soon.

The only things I'm really focused on this semester are doing really good school work to show that I'm not a total fuck up, being a really good friend and brother, and making music with Matt.

I'm tired of waiting around. Come on second semester, hurry UP!

Lady Gaga - Viva La Vida (Coldplay Cover)

This is from a couple of months ago, but I still love it.

Syndicate

Don't know what you're made of,
'til the one thing that you want
Is coming with the dawn,
and suddenly changes.
Monday's syndicate
means everyone's the same,
And all we've lost
to the flame
listen to me now...

Baby close your eyes,
don't open till the morning light.
Don't ever forget,
we haven't lost it all yet.
All we know for sure,
is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget,
we haven't lost it all yet.

Winter Song.

I found this song about a week too late last year and have waited an entire year for it to be relevant again. It's so beautiful.

Roadtrip in the USA: Day 3

So today was the third and final day of the cross country roadtrip.

We left Springfield Missouri at about 7am and made it home around four. Today's ride was pretty boring, but we did end up going right through St. Louis which was really cool. And, from the time we left to when we got home, there was more and more snow, which was kind of fun. And then i realized how cold it was. Not so fun anymore, ha.

It was really good to get home, kind of like I could finally exhale. But not really. This whole situation is getting wierder and wierder by the minute. From the time it happened, I've been trying to focus on the positives so I don't go crazy, but now it's all really starting to sink in. I kind of feel some anger and bitterness coming on, but I'm doing my best to shake them off, because they're not going to help anything. No matter what, there is still a lot of good coming out of this.

Monday night is my parent's annual Shortest Day of the Year Party which I'm really looking forward too. It's my favorite part of the year! I'm helping my Mom set up for that tomorrow, which will be fun.

I think one of the things that this whole experience has really made me realize is how truly awesome my friends are. I'm so lucky to have people like them.

P.S. It's so cold. Welcome back to the midwest.

P.P.S. Maybe now that my LA thrill ride is over, I can use this blog for what I had origionally intended to, hyping things at school and stuff like that. Yay!

Roadtrip in the USA: Day 2

Another day on the road, done! We went from Albequerque New Mexico and stopped in Springfield Misourri. LONG Drive. But like I said, spending an entire day in the car isn't horrible if you're expecting to do so.

We made a stop off in Tulsa to visit my cousin, his girlfriend and their new baby. That was so much fun, and a nice surprise because I wasn't sure if we'd actually be able to make it.

I guess going into this, I neglected to realize how SOUTH we were going. So everytime my Dad and I stopped for lunch at a little roadside diner, I really got slapped in the face with it. Definitely not in LA anymore, that's for sure. All of the accents and cowboy hats are totally authentic. I die.

I'm glad I'm going to be home tomorrow. I'm not ready for the cold, but other than that, it will be nice. I feel like this winter break thing I'm on might possibly be really wierd and get me all crazy in the head thinking about everything, but I'm hoping it will just give me a chance to calm down about lots of things, my past and future.

Eight more hours on the road and then I'm home!!!

Roadtrip in the USA: Day 1.

Another BlackBerry hotel bed blog! My fav.

My Dad and I left LA at 6:30am this morning, and after a quick detour to West Coast Choppers in Long Beach (what a way to start the morning), we were off.

Driving for an entire day wasn't as monsterous as I'd imagined. But then again, I've got two more days of this so we'll see how I hold up.

It was crazy, first we drove through the desert, and then a couple of hours later, we were in the snowy mountians. Fun! And wierd! We ate at a diner called "Wagon Wheel" from which I died of excitement because of the song Matt and I love.

I got an email from my boss that said I didn't train the temp that's taking my position to do something that's very important, but I did. That kind of threw off my whole day, I was not expecting that. Like, I DID teach her, period. And also, I really cared about that job and took it seriously, so when someone accuses me of not doing something correctly, I tend to take it really personally. I beat myself up about that stuff. And I'm sorry, like, I only found out I was leaving (slash getting fucked by the company) last Thursday, and not more than a week later, I'm moving back home, going back to school, and doing it all in the middle of finals week. All things considered, I think I covered all my bases pretty well. God, it just frustrated me. AND, I had no one to train me to do all of the important things that I helped her out with, thank you very much. If I, of all people, can figure it out, she can too.

Sorry, I don't mean to vent. It's just I left on such good terms and did my best to make sure everything was taken care of before I left despite everything else I had going on. I'd kind of just like to live my life in peace for a minute or two.

This roadtripping thing is pretty cool actually. I'm not hating it nearly as much as expected, yet. Tomorrow we're shooting to hit Tulsa, at least, and then home by Saturday.

I'm sort of disenchanted with a lot of things right now. I hope I can just go back to school and immerse myself in the second semester of my senior year and just CHILL OUT for a while. It's been a long five months. I'm reevaluating some things too. Who knows. Everything is still so fresh, I think I just need to...stop thinking.

I'm excited for roadtrip day 2!!!

My last night in LA.

I'm so exausted.

People keep asking me if I'm going to come back to LA and MTV once I graduate, and it's like, I'm not leaving on bad terms, but so much of the last two years of my life have been dedicated to get me to MTV that, I've been there, I've done it, and right now, I just need to get it off my radar. I need to take a breath.

I'm roadtripping from LA back to Illinois with my Dad starting tomorrow morning. Cross your fingers for a safe trip for us.

What a ride this has been. But a lot of me feels like the ride is just starting.

Kassi.

I just feel bad about this whole thing. Like, I’ve dragged her along this entire time. We’re SO excited to be able to, well, be us again. But first I tell her I’m leaving school with absolutely no warning, and sort of just leave her to deal. Don’t get me wrong, nothing changed, we handled it and are still best friends. But I know it was really hard for her, I mean I know how hard it was for me. And now I’m just dropping back in and it expecting her to just rearrange her life again to accommodate mine. I just feel guilty. I feel a lot of things, ha. I just think I make it so hard to be my best friend sometimes.


This picture is so cute. If you only knew how drunk we were.

You Don't Know How Lovely You Are...

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.
-Coldplay

...


Ok NOW I'm just getting melodramatic, ha. Sorry, that song is playing right now and that part of it just seemed perfect. So there you have it.

This is all so crazy. And yet again it's all happening so fast. I'm surprisingly ok with all of it though. I think I am just forcing myself to focus on the positives, because if I don't, the negatives will swallow me whole.

Part of me, well, most of me, is so excited to go back. I mean, I'm super bummed about leaving MTV, but like I said...positives. It's just going to be weird telling people what happened, how it happened. Like, I don't owe anybody a fucking explanation, but at the same time, the situation does warrant questions. I'm leaving on good terms, and that's what I want to get across to everyone. That this is my decision, and if I went with the alternative, it wouldn't be a gamble, it'd be a suicide mission. And I can't do that, not while I'm still in school. If I already had my degree, this would be an entirely different conversation. But right now, I HAVE GOT to look out for myself.

One of my bosses put it best when he said "The only person who is gonna look out for Tynan, is Tynan." I mean, this was the same boss who cross-dressed as Lindsey Lohan for Halloween. At the office.

This is all just so frustrating. A lot of it sort of hit me while I was out last night, bad timing.

But really, if this had to happen, it's happening in the absolute best way possible. I am so lucky in that respect. I can get right back into school like I never left.

Mmm...I don't know. I have good feelings about this, I really do. This is not going back to square one. This is not a giant step back. This is me making sure I can move forward. And I guess in a way, this is me moving forward.

And still I can shake this feeling that I'm letting everyone down. My parents. Ugh. They were so amazing when I told them, but now they're going to have to answer the "Wait, doesn't your kid work at MTV? Not anymore? Why?!" questions. I've put them through so much this year, and they're willing to look past it all like it's nothing. And my friends. I feel like a lot of them had so much faith in me, and somehow this sort of looks like a failure. And my professors. My god, my professors. The same professors who fought so hard for me to be able to get out here and do all of this. I feel terrible. It seems so ungrateful.

Some things are just bigger than a really cool job title, than an amazing job. There comes a point where you can't be ashamed of what you're worth, when you have to be okay with admitting that you're worth more than the nations biggest cable network. Out here, you really have to know who the fuck you are, because if you don't people will try and tell you. And they'll be wrong, but you might not know it.

I'm just thankful that I'm realizing that this is the time for me to go. I could so see myself holding on to it, and losing everything a few months down the line.

I leave Thursday morning. My Dad is flying out to LA and we're DRIVING back. Oh my god.

:-)

You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes,
you might find...
You get what you need.

Again...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix You
Coldplay

Tynan's Room

"Andy is only renting."

I love it. You have no idea how much I love this.

Monster.

This job is turning me into a monster.



:-)

My car.

My car is finally being shipped out here today. This gives me a horrible sense of permanence and I don’t know why. Not permanence in a sense of 'oh I don't want to be here forever,' but more in a sense of 'what if things get screwed up?'

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was great. It was my first Thanksgiving away from home, and I was lucky enough to have people to spend it with. On Thanksgiving night, I went over to my friends The Metzger’s apartment and ate with them. I met them my first summer in LA, when I lived in that circus of an apartment with recovering addicts and Russian girls. Remember that? They somehow took a liking to me and we’ve kept in touch. Luckily, I wasn’t the only non-family member there. There were a bunch, it was sort of like a halfway house for LA transplants, ha. It was great. I said to Kassi a couple of days later, “You know, it’s fine for me to not have a family’s place to go to on Thanksgiving now when I’m 22, but I can NOT be that 40 year old queen who still has no family later on down the road.” Just a thought.

After dinner wrapped up, I said my thank yous and goodbyes and drove down to Playa Del Rey for some post-Thanksgiving festivities. A good friend from high school, Brant lives out here (less than a mile away from me, no less) and his sister and a bunch of their friends have a place in Playa that’s right on the ocean, so we all went there that night. It was a ton of fun. There was a bon fire (sort of think, I guess. I don’t know, what constitutes a bonfire?) more food, and lots of beer pong. As the night wore on, we ended up putting a new spin on an old rule. Old Rule: “The Troll Roll” is when a partner doesn’t make any cups for an entire game, they have to sit under the table for the entirety of the next round. Well, we started coming up with funny names and rules for other interpretations of The Troll Roll, all jokingly of course. Until we came to The Gargoyle. Behind the beer pong table was a book case about seven feet high, so before long, instead of getting under the table, you had to…well, observe.



Totally amazing/pathetic.

Anyway, Gargoyled or not, it couldn’t have been a better Thanksgiving.

I realized last night that...

The problem is, I can’t ever tell if I’m fucking everything up or doing a really good job. Whichever the case, I’m working really hard at doing it.

Lately.

You’ll have to forgive me for falling a little behind on this, things have started to get really crazy with work and school. Ugh. The semester is over December 16th, which can’t come soon enough. In the meantime, no sleeping or eating for me. Too much to get done. The upside is, being so busy isn’t new to me. I guess booking myself from 9am to 1am when I was in school really paid off. The only difference is, the stakes are much higher this time around. I’m not complaining though. I go home for a little over a week on December 18th. I can’t wait to see everyone, seriously I CAN’T WAIT. It will be nice to be home for a week instead of a hot 32 hours like last time. Yay.

The Fame Monster.

Sooo I met Lady Gaga. Here's how.

My friend Carlo works for Extra, doing all of the red carpet interviews and things of that nature. He basically gets to meet every big celebrity that the outlets talks to, which is pretty cool. Lady Gaga was having a signing of her new record on the day of the release at a Best Buy in West LA. Carlo IMed me the afternoon before and told me to call off of work so I could go with him and meet her. I was like “Carlo, I moved out here for this job, and as much as I'd like to, I'm not going to jeopardize that to meet Lady Gaga.” Besides, I saw her a ton at VMAs. He said he had to be at the signing from 3 – 8 and the interview could take place anytime in that time frame, and if I got of work in time and he hadn't interviewed her yet, I should come. Well, I agreed, but didn't think anything of it because it just seemed too good to be true.

The next day, I still wasn't thinking about it, when he texted me at work and told me she was doing Leno in the afternoon, so she wouldn't get to the signing until five o'clock. I get off at six o'clock. And whenever you're dealing with a celebrity and deadlines, you can guarantee that they will be late. So I got to thinking, maybe this could work...

No, no. this was NOT going to work. It just couldn't, right? Besides, work was crazy and I'd probably have to end up staying late that night, blowing my chances to meet Gaga. No big deal. That's when my boss told me she was leaving early so I could leave early too.

Umm...

So my boss left at five and at 5:01 I grabbed my (adorable) brief case and ran full sprint to my bike. “I'M COMING” I texted Carlo, and was off.

When I got to Best Buy, there were over 3,000 people that had been waiting in line all day. Lady Gaga sent a bunch of pizza to them earlier in the day, how nice is that. Anyway, I cut the line and went to the press check in, gave them my name and told them I was a production assistant for Extra. (I mean, I had made it this far, I wasn't going to let a little thing like LYING stand in my way of meeting her.)

I got in without any problems, put on my press badge, and waited. We only had to wait about 20 minutes, but it felt like forever. We were finally escorted back to the press room where she'd do the interviews before the signing. Carlo rehearsed his interview questions on me, and before long we were doing the “Just Dance” choreography in the middle of the press room while we waited. Not long after I busted out a perfect Charleston, we were told she was about ready. She walked in, wearing a low cut blazer with HUGE structured shoulders. I. Died. We introduced ourselves and she shook my hand and said “It's nice to meet you Tynan” My inner monologue was something along the lines of 'OMG OMG OMG LADY GAGA JUST SAID MY NAME. LADY GAGA IS TOUCHING MY HAND.'

Dying.

So, we talked for a second, she took a few pictures in front of the step & repeat, and then Carlo did the interview. I was standing there, shaking, freaking, and almost balling. You don't understand, in my line of work, I see celebrities all the time blah blah blaaah, but I love Lady Gaga SO much, I think she's such an artist and a breath of fresh air and a total wierdo. I love everything about her.

After the interview, we got to talk to her for a few more minutes as the the E! Crew was setting up, and I can honestly say she was really genuinely kind, and funny, and you could tell how appreciative she was of all of her fans. I couldn't believe how down to earth she was, even amid all of her monster success. As we were leaving, Carlo hugged her, and then I hugged her (omg omg omg) and then she KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK (OMG OMG OMG). It. Was. Amazing.

And, the clip of her hugging and kissing me was caught by E! and ended up on E! News the next day.



Dead.

This week's obsessions.

(I'm late on this one but I'm OBSESSED.)


Thanks Matt!

I love how it starts "And when I see you, I really see you upside down." I love the entire thing.

Not having the seasons change is SO WIERD. It feels like I'm that dead chick in The Lovely Bones.

"If you feel good around somebody, then you should be around that person."
-Matt Bentley.

Home.

Last weekend I went back home for my parents 25th anniversary party. I was feeling a lot of things about the prospect of going home, I mean, I was excited, but I just wasn't sure how it would go. Being home, seeing my parents, seeing my friends, and then a huge party, which always has a way of making everyone tense and go crazy. But I was excited.

My original flight would was leaving Friday morning and would get me home around 7 or 8 that night, but that week, I wised up and changed it to a Thursday night red eye, so I would be home by Friday morning and wouldn't have to waste a whole day flying when I could spend the whole day PLAYING!

I really like traveling. Being in airports alone is always such a funny feeling. It reminds me of the Jack's Mannequin lyric from Dark Blue “have you ever been alone in a crowded room?” I feel so isolated, when in reality, I'm surrounded by thousands of people trying to get from point A to point B. I feel like airports are always so silent too. Even when they're not. Like all of the background noise just falls away into a hum that you eventually just tune out.

Anyway, of course I got no sleep on the flight, so when I landed, I practically sprinted to the nearest Starbucks, and then met up with my dad who had come to pick me up. It was good to see him, he seemed really happy to see me. The ride back to my house was funny, because he would ask me about work and my social life and all that, and it just seemed so weird to relay the last couple months of my life in one car ride. So odd. Plus, I forgot how boring the Illinois highways are. Yikes. Hello cornfields.

Got home, went to see my mom setting up for the party, freaked out. It was SO good to see her, I'm so queer. The first time I hugged her, I remembered how tiny she is. I feel like she got even littler, or maybe I grew a little.

After, I ran around Rockford for a few, seeing a couple people and running errands. I was having major flashbacks to fall two years ago because I was finally experiencing fall weather, and I was listening to the album “Heroes & Thieves” by Vanessa Carlton, which I listened to non-stop autumn of my sophomore year. Such an odd feeling but such a good one to go back to.


FAAALL!!!

Had lunch with my mom and dad, and then went shopping with my mom because I was determined to find a bow tie. A real bow tie, not a pre-tied one. We had so much fun that afternoon. It was one of those times that you realize, as soon as it's over, “shit, that was the only time like that we're going to have this weekend.” That was kind of a bummer I guess, but it was still good just to hang out with my mom for a while. And I found a bow tie.

I was so beat that night because I hadn't slept on the red-eye the night before so I passed out pretty early. The next day, my parents were running around doing little last minute things for the party, and I was, well, drinking coffee and shopping for the most part. I just couldn't figure out what to do with myself because I was so excited for my friends to get to Rockford! They finally rolled in at about 4 that afternoon and we had one of the most explosive reunions ever. My BEST friends from Monmouth Kassi, Maureen, Mark and Zack were able to come, and it was just so so SO good to see them. They are the four people from Monmouth (with the exception of Matt) that I talk to daily and that mean the most to me. Having them with me again was just such a good feeling.

And then the party. The party was everything my parents could have hoped. It was really beautiful. My mom hired a caterer and we knew she was going to be good, we just didn't know HOW good. I walked in, and seriously felt like I was on the food network or some shit. It was like the Christmas feast at Hogwarts. Literally PILES of food, it all looked so good and was presented really nicely. No warming stations or like, hot plates or whatever the hell you call them, it was all very elegant. Seeing everyone again all at once was great too, all the family and friends who have really been a big part of my parents life, so a big part of my life too, were there. It was fun to catch up with people. There were so many people that were like “so what are you DOING?!” and wanted to hear all about MTV when I really just wanted to know how everything with them was, ha, go figure.






I did the toast and don't think I fucked it up too badly, and spent the rest of the night dancing with my mom and my friends. It was a really great time.

Oh! And Mike came too! He showed up around 8 and it was great to see him too. After the party, we all went back to my place and drank a ton of Shock Top, which is basically everything I could have asked for.

Halloween.

Ok Halloween.

So Halloween in LA is legendary. West Hollywood shuts down and everyone comes out in full regalia to celebrate, so WeHo was on my Halloween agenda. No brainer, right?

But here's the thing. HERE'S, the thing. I love the whole Hollywood scene as much as anyone, I guess, whatever. I mean it is what it is. But West Hollywood is ALWAYS a hot wreck, not just on special occasions. It's great, because after a long week of work, if you want to go out and have a good time, it feels like a constant holiday. But I'm a dive bar boy myself, so as often as I like to do the Hollywood thing, I like to find quieter bar lounges or off the wall places just as much. I kept hearing how the streets are always packed shoulder to shoulder with people, and all the clubs are over crowed and all of that. Not that I have a problem with that, but I really just wanted to dress up, go out with my friends and have a good time, rather than fight the crowds and try to stick with the group of people I'd be with. It just didn't sound fun to me, and I wanted Halloween to be FUN. Could I really be skipping out on a Hollywood Halloween?!

Friday night I went to a house party (a COSTUME house party, obviously) and had a blast. My Andy Warhol costume was a hit (duh) and all of the people there were a ton of fun. Plus, I met a very interesting scarecrow... So Friday was an absolute success.




Whitney Houston. Obviously.

Saturday was the big day. WeHo or no WeHo? Well, my good friend Brant invited me to go down to Main St. in Santa Monica with him and his friends, and that sounded like fun without being a total mess like my initial plans, to I agreed. We were a sight, that's for sure, Brant went as Britain's Got Talent star Susan Boyle, his roommate went as the bride from Kill Bill. Out of all these straight guys, I was the only one not cross dressing. The irony never ends.


Susan & The Bride

We met up and got ready at B's apartment. They all started taking shots, but the only alcohol they had was flavored vodka, which for some reason makes me stop breathing, so I opted to wait and drink at the bar. By the time we left, everyone was pretty drunk, except me. Picture all of these wasted drag queens and me, sober. It felt like Freaky Friday. As we walked, we kept trying to call a van taxi to get everyone to the bars because no one was in any shape to drive. We decided to walk to Wilshire, one of the bigger streets thinking that we'd find a taxi there. Well, when we got to Wilshire, there was not a taxi in sight. Someone made some drunken smart ass comment about taking a bus, as if any of us were familiar with the public transit system. And as if on cue, a bus pulls up to the curb right in front of us, and opened the doors.

“WHERE ARE YOU GOING??” Brant slurrs.

“Main st. Where are YOU going??” the bus driver yells back.

Jackpot.

None of us had any change on us, so she let us all ride for free! And by the end of the trip, she had picked up another five or six people in costume. It was like our own personal Halloween party bus. So wrong.





The rest of the night was pretty great. A lot of bars. A lot of booze. A lot of Halloween debauchery in general. There was a point when the boys were fighting with six bouncers and security guards outside of a bar, and I had to kindly remind them that they were all in full drag and probably weren't going to get anywhere with these guys.


Nice, Brant.

I was worried that Halloween wasn't going to be as fun now that I'm not on a college campus with my best friends anymore, and while it definitely wasn't the same, it was still a shitshow, which is all that matters.

White Houses

I need to write about Halloween, but I think I just need to let the dust settle for a few days before I can really relive it. I mean, I'm not sure I'm sober yet.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with this. This is one of my ultimate "fall" songs, "White Houses" by Vannessa Carlton. I guess I'm a little late in pulling it out this year, but it was like eighty fucking degrees here today so it really didn't feel all that much like fall. Anyway. I'm finally entering the fall state of mind.



"He's so funny in his bright red shirt..."

"It's after Halloween, can we stay together?"

This is one of the best songs off of what in my opinion is one of the best albums of the year, Ursa Major, by Third Eye Blind.



"It's after Halloween
Everything starts fading
I'm losing everyone
I go down like that sun
You know what I mean
I'm just someone in a Summer Town"

Perfect, right?

Call Me By Your Name

"But sitting here I knew I was experiencing the mitigated bliss of those who are too superstitious to claim they may get all they've ever dreamed of but are far too grateful not to know it could easily be taken away."

-Andre Acimen
Call Me By Your Name

Chilly and windy and happy.

It was a chilly one in LA today! And WINDY, yikes. If I didn't know any better, I'd have thought I was back in Illinois in late fall. I loved it. And then when I left work, it felt like late spring. I was like, 'alright California, we're going to have to compromise.'

On Monday afternoon, my friend Melissa who works in the talent department of MTV asked me if I was free the following evening because Columbia Records hooked her up with concert tickets to see Boys Like Girls, Cobra Starship, The Maine, and Rocket To The Moon. Of course I was IN.

So the next night after work, we made our way toward downtown Los Angeles to Club Nokia, a smaller more intimate venue which is part of LA Live, a massive entertainment complex. By some miracle, we found street parking close to the show, and started to walk. What we didn't realize was that “This Is It,” the Michael Jackson movie, was premiering that night, directly across the street from where we were going. Of course. So the security was in full effect because of the sheer size of the event, red carpet, and all of that, so weaving our way past/around/through the gates was a chore in itself. And then there were the MJ fans. I have to say, it was kind of cool to see the fans come out for an event like this because it wasn't just the ones jumping on the bandwagon, rushing to the store to buy his greatest hits albums just so they could pretend to love his music just like everyone else. These people were the real deal, and it showed. And then there were the impersonators. Just like at the VMAs, I was once again suddenly surrounded by about fifteen Michael Jacksons. How does this stuff keep happening to me?

Well we finally got to Club Nokia just as Cobra Starship took the stage. I'm not a Cobra fan and never have been, I find their music lifeless, but I suppose that's another conversation for another time. What I'm trying to say is that while they were playing and I wasn't caring, it gave me a chance to take in the venue we were in. It was very new, almost immaculate, very sterile, almost like Disneyland was trying to pass off a rock venue. I'm not saying it was a bad place, not at all, I'm sure it's acoustically perfect and cutting edge and all of that, but I'm so used to these old, historic, lived-in, (read: run down) theaters that are far passed their golden age but are perfect for a rock show, and that's half the fun of going to a show in the first place. When my friends and I saw Alkaline Trio in Milwaukee in April and then Third Eye Blind in Chicago in May, the venues had so much character with all of this chipping paint the smell of years of cigarette smoke and gold leafing all around, so beautiful. And then here I am in this brand new venue which I'm sure cost millions of dollars to design and build and has many hidden bells and whistles, and I'm just like “meh.”

The show was great though, I really had a great time. It was so spontaneous too, which was great.

Halloween is this weekend. Hmm. I know I should say I'm so excited, because I am, but it's just different when you're not on a college campus. Like, this is actually me, an adult, dressing up, in a costume, and going out, in public. BUT, I keep hearing that West Hollywood explodes on Halloween, so I'll be in good company. Let's be serious, it's not the “real world,” it's Hollywood. Still though, just not the same. But still great.

TEGAN AND SARA'S NEW ALBUM, SAINTHOOD, CAME OUT ON TUESDAY. It's all I'll be listening to for...ever.

Try to learn a lesson, but you can't...

This blog really sucks, haha :-) I expected to to be so much different than it is. And I'm hoping that in the future, it will suck less. Maybe if I think it sucks, I should stop blogging...

but then again, maybe not.

I was messaging my fav Professor and good friend Susan Van Kirk, and I told her something that happened this week that I've been thinking about a lot lately, well, in the past few days. I don't know exactly what it was that did it (it was one specific instance, I wish I could pin down what exactly it was) but at some point this week, everything got put back into perspective for me. The full spectrum of what is actually going on really hit me, again. Leaving school, my home, family, and best friends who I consider my family and moving to LA to peruse this job while still finishing my senior year on time. All of it. I tend to section off my life to help me keep it organized; work, school, family, friends, it just helps me keep things straight. But I'm finally seeing it for what it is, for the first time in a while. It's not bad. It's not good. It's just, crazy. There's just so much gravity to it, and most of the time I don't feel it.

UGH wait. Did that sound like I was bragging or being pretentious? I hope not. I constantly find me asking myself that question “did that make me sound like an ass?” I think it's just because I hear these people talking themselves up all the time and bragging and just being generally douchey, and I really don't want to be that. I don't think it's an LA thing, I think you'll find assholes anywhere you go, right?

Right.

It really trips me out that it's already almost Halloween. Because that means it's almost November. This year is going so fast, and I'm not even realizing it. God. All I want to do is make it to graduation in once piece. Monmouth isn't making it easy for me either. I just don't want to fuck this up.

Typically, I hate talking on the phone. I'm much more of a texter. There are just so few people that I can actually carry on a normal conversation with over the phone. But today I talked to Kassi for an hour and a half on the phone today. I talked to Matt for half an hour. Both of those are not abnormal at all because they are two of my best friends and that's pretty normal for us, but today it was extra good. I don't know why, I was just soaking up the sound of their voices more than ever today. It just FEELS so good to hear them. I don't know. I'm so queer.

I'm not homesick, I don't get homesick. I don't miss home (that may be a bit of a lie, there are some things I miss about Monmouth terribly) but in general, I'm fine. I think it's just that, with the way that everything happened, I'm caught in this weird nine month inbetween, like, I'm not a college graduate, but I'm a full time employee of MTV. I'm still a college student, but I'm not a “college student.” All of my friends are living their senior year at school and I'm living this crazy adventure of everything I ever wanted to achieve. And it's great! It's all so great. It's just, I think I'm finally finding a way to put into words all of this dissonance I sometimes feel. Sure, sometimes I'm bummed out that I can't be with my best friends, but I wouldn't be bummed out if we all didn't love each other so much, right? So even when it sucks, I'm lucky. I'm so lucky.

Flume.

Oh my god I have got to stop stalling and get started on this marketing assignment.

…

This week was a much better week, I'm very happy to say. I was hoping last week wasn't the start of some horrible downward spiral, ha. Well it wasn't. Thank gah. Anyway, that's all I'll say about that.

Next week is Halloween. WHAT. I'm excited and freaked out all at the same time, because Halloween means that the next day is November. NOVEMBER? Since when?! Ugh. Wow. But my costume is coming together quite well, which I'm very happy about. I may be the only guy in Hollywood who's NOT dressing up as Lady Gaga (surprise surprise). Andy Warhol is much more my style anyway.

I'm going home real quick in two weeks, for my parent's 25th anniversary party. I can't wait, I'm so excited. I'm stoked to see my parents, and my best friends who are coming up from Monmouth to the party. I really wish I could go down and visit school, but time won't permit it, this time around at least. Soon though. I'm almost a little hesitant though, part of me thinks I'll be so happy that I'll just turn into an emotional mess, HA! Well see. I'm SO excited.

I met the cast of one of our new shows premiering in Q1 next year called Hard Times. It's a scripted comedy, it should be pretty good. I just saw the main guy in Fame, and, well, I'm just thinking of this show as his chance to redeem himself, bahaha. I also got my hands on the next episode of GLEE that doesn't air until November 12th, hello perks of the job! Oh, and turns out that two weeks ago when I told my mother “I saw Paranormal Activity,” she didn't know it was a movie and thought I was getting haunted or something, HA. I would.

Matt and I are, whether we like it or not, making a list of songs we need to play when we're reunited. He just added “Flume” to the list, and I couldn't be more excited.


Ok. Marketing. Let's go.

Bad Romance

The final version of this was finally released and I'm so happy (and unsurprised) to say that Lady Gaga does not disappoint. This song is definitely a step in the direction she's been taking lately; a little bit edgier, a little more raw. It's a mix of 80's rock, old school Madonna, and dare I saw a little bit of Ace of Base? It all works really well together though. Take a listen and see for yourself.

Light.

"Oh Love, don't let me go..."

That's my favorite line from this song:



Looks like I'm on another Coldplay kick. They happen every three months or so. I might as well just admit that I like them and get on with my life. Matt Bentley got me into this EP. Thank you Matt.

Fix You.

Rough week. But everyone has rough weeks now and again, right? I'm just glad it's the weekend, but part of me is that much more anxious to get back on Monday morning and have a better week. I just need to chill, I am always so hard on myself. This kind of stress is going to age me.

I decorated my room last weekend. The whole summer I was collecting pictures ripped from magazines to put up in my room at the house when I got back to school. But then I ended up not going back to school, so I decided to put them up here. It was a very weird experience. Displaced. BUT, now my room is more than four white walls, and it feels a little bit more 'mine.'

So everyone ended up surviving Brant's birthday last weekend. Well, I did, I'm not so sure about him. Friday night we went out in Hollywood and hit Birds and then went over to one of the bars in The Standard hotel on Sunset and saw this little party band play, and they were really good, much to my surprise. Saturday we hung out at Brant's, watched college football, drank Natty Light and played beer pong (leave it to me to move to LA and get straighter) then hit some bars in his area. There was a point on Saturday night where I was handling the drunks and breaking up fights between guys MUCH bigger than me. Ok when I'm the one controlling the situation, you know something is wrong. But the weekend was a blast. One of the nights we ran into AJ from The Backstreet Boys. ha. Ugh.

AND THEN, Sunday night, for god only knows what reason, Brant and I decide to go see Paranormal Activity. Now, I'm not usually one for scary movies, especially one like this because the buzz on it is that despite a shoestring budget, it's the scariest movie in years. It practically comes with a surgeon general warning. But we decided to see a late night showing of it (real smart). The whole time I was making dinner and getting ready and waiting to meet up with him, I was freaking out. Like, the mere idea of seeing the movie scared the shit out of me. Well, the movie itself was a real trip. It was really scary, but in a fun-scary way, until the last 15 minutes that is, when they just pulled out all the stops. I was having a blast watching it, and would definitely recommend it. I haven't slept since Sunday, but it's a small price to pay.

I'm trying to step up my cooking game. I'm a good cook, but when you're cooking for one, what do you do? Well I went to the grocery store this week and filled up my cart with most everything I could think of, so I'm working on it. And I now know how to caramelize onions. Watch out world.

Last night, when I got home from work after this bitch of a week, I noticed a big box on my bed, with Kassi as the return address. It was the most awesome package I've ever received, with gummy EVERYTHING (my fav), pictures, letters, other unmentionables, and a mix and letter from Matt. I can't even describe how happy it made me, and perfect timing too! I have the greatest friends ever.

Tonight I'm seeing “Where The Wild Things Are” FINALLY. I've been waiting for this movie since FOREVER. Basically since I heard that Spike Jonez was fighting with Warner Brothers to put the movie out. YES. I can hardly wait.





I went out last night to see some guy play at The Dakota, but before I left, I was being a little bitch and turned this song on just because I thought the first couple of lines were appropriate after this hellish week. Anyway, I manned up and went to the show. And he covered this song. It was just a little too poetic, even for me.

I miss you Kassi.

Typical.

On Friday, my friend from Talent, Melissa, said we should get lunch from The Kogi Truck. I had no other plans, and had heard good things about this truck, so I figured what the hell, why not. Now, usually, I'm not one to eat out of a truck/tent/any other unconventional structure, but this truck is sort of a legend in the West LA working world. It was only then that Melissa told me she was on the VIP list.

What? A VIP list for a Korean barbecue truck? You've got to be kidding me.

Wait a minute, this is LA.

So. We locate the truck, and see a line at least 20 people long waiting to order. “Must be some truck,” I thought to myself. Then, we see a sketchy guy standing a few feet away from it with a clipboard. Yes. Perfect. Melissa and I walk up to him and give him her name, and walks us straight to the front of the line. We could hear the other people waiting to order whispering about how the hell we were able to skip the line, and the whole time I just keep thinking 'this is not happening this is NOT happening.' Well it happened. We skipped the line, and didn't pay a cent. So free lunch from the Kogi truck thanks to the VIP list. What a joke, right? Unreal.

It was Brant's birthday this weekend, so of course we had to party. Friday we went to Birds in Hollywood, (where we ran into A.J. from The Backstreet Boys, HA) and then to The Standard. Saturday was an all around shitshow, watching the Michigan/Iowa game at Brant's place (apparently I watch college football now, yea that makes sense) some drinking games, some bad ideas, and then we went to Q's. Too much beer all around, cut to me breaking up a fight between two guys twice my size. It's like I never left Monmouth.

I really wish I could be at the Equality March on Washington today. Check out this awesome performance by Lady Gaga in support of the movement.

Homecoming spent in Hollywood

It’s Friday thank the LO’! It’s also Homecoming at Monmouth. I’m kind of bummed that I’m not there, but it’s so early this year that it’s a little less weird than I thought it might be. And really, am I seriously going to complain about being in Hollywood instead of Monmouth on this, or any weekend? No. Well, I guess that would be missing the point, so maybe. Just trying to put it in perspective. Work is going great, trying hard not to fuck things up. There are auditions going on a little ways down from me for Gigantic, so I keep running into these teen actors and it’s just like being on the set of Gossip Girl. They’re all really good looking and have perfect hair and smell great, but it’s like, “be serious, you’re seventeen.” And then there’s the stage moms, what a joy. Every time I walk by the other teens think I’m there for an audition since I look young, HA. Bitch I work here.

I’ve decided to be Andy Warhol for Halloween. I’m gonna do it to the nines this time though, a white wig and all. I figure it’s not totally typical or too current, or Lady Gaga.

It’s Brant’s birthday this weekend so we’re all going out to celebrate. I haven’t been this geared up/excited/utterly horrified to go out in a while, so we’ll see how it goes. The two of us alone usually means a total shitshow, so I can only imagine what us and a group of friends in Hollywood means. A direct quote: “We’re starting at Birds, the rest is up to Jesus.” Here goes. I’m getting my haircut right after work before we go out so I’ll look presentable in my mug shot.

This song is great:

Terrible Yellow Eyes

So I'm going to refer you to another blog today, but this is totally worth it. I know I'm kind of on a Where The Wild Things Are kick, (as is the rest of America, I know, bandwagon) but I'm not really sure I care.

My friend Nate Pyper hooked me up with this. CHECK IT OUT.

http://www.terribleyelloweyes.com/

omg.

Faces Of Us

I've talked about Faces Of Us before, and Im'a do it again.

In observance of National Coming Out Day, my friend Brendan is having people submit essays about their coming out experiences. Like I always say, the whole 'gay' thing isn't really my battle of choice. Most of the time it just is what it is, I trust that people will come around soon enough. I think rather than flying your rainbow flag at every given opportunity, people need to be a little more tactful if we really want to push for change BUT, that's a whole different story. I mean I know there will come a time that the fight will need my support as well as everyone esle's, hopefully sooner rather than later. I really respect what Brendan is doing and I think the stories are really powerful. He asked me to submit one too, so I did. You'll find it on there, if your interested. More than anything, I really feel this is a cause that deserves to your support.

http://www.thefacesofus.com/

I just want to put this out there.

My list of the worst people in the world.

1. Dakota Fanning
2. Miley Cyrus
3. A tie between Perez Hilton and Adam Lambert. guh.

Thank you.

Party In The USA

Say what you want. I hate Miley Cyrus but I am ob. sessed. with this song. It's about moving to LA and it came out like the day I moved out here. Bitch stole my thunder.

Thaaaanks Monmooouuuuth.

Monmouth pulled through!!!

Talk about a huge sigh of relief. I don't think it's really set in yet.

The plan is, to take the planned load of classes, minus Citizenship (the class that was in question), and find a comparable course to take out here, and transfer that in. I'll be graduating in May. Hell yes.

I have a feeling that, since Citizenship is such a unique (read: weird) class, that finding one that Monmouth finds “comparable” is going to be a whole new battle to fight, but I've made it this far, right?

It's such a weight off of my shoulders, but what's even nicer to know, is that my Mom is done worrying about it. I was more worried about her than I was Monmouth.

So I'm reading The Time Traveler's Wife and seeing Fame tonight. I'm the gayest.

But I'm also listening to this song on repeat:



I didn't expect to be a head case for this long, apologies.

I'm not homesick, didn't expect to be. But I have a feeling there's going to be a few weeks in the fall where this is going to be a little difficult. I really love fall in the midwest, especially at Monmouth. Just the whole season, and everything brings, new friends, warm clothes, the familiarity that is found in seeing old things come around again with another year under your belt. Halloween, Homecoming, just all of that stuff. But shit, look at what I'm doing, you know? More than a fair trade I would say. I think it really just comes down to missing my friends, there may be a little guilt somewhere in there to. It's just that I left some really good stuff behind. I talk about emotions as if I actually feel them, HA. Goo...

WHAT AM I GOING TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN?!?!?!? Not to be conceited, but my costumes have always been killer, especially these last two years, how can I top them? I keep thinking Max from Where The Wild Things Are, but who knows. I mean let's be honest, I'm just gonna be shitfaced in some gay bar in West Hollywood so it's really not a life or death situation. But still, I have to do it big.


Doable. But...safe? Hmm...we'll see. Maybe I can work some spandex or nipple into it.

So.

Maybe this was the wrong point in my life to start a blog.

Andrea Gibson - Jellyfish

"Teach me how the candle wax says thank you to the flame."

Sunday.

Yes. This whole album is scary good.



Yes. GLEE. I hope you're all watching it.



Yes. A Harry Potter musical written and performed by college students. Obvious obsession.

Saturday

Brant: "I think that's what's referred to as a wake up call."
Tynan: "I prefer to think of it as raising the bar."

The VMAs.

Oh! I guess I should write about The VMAs. DUH.

Ok let me preface this by saying just how excited I was to be a part of it. It's the biggest award show of the year, point blank. Yea, there are the Grammy Awards and the Emmy Awards and all of that, but none of them bring the excitement like The Video Music Awards. It has always been a can't-miss event of the fall, and this year was no different. I'll do my best to relay the experience with help of the pictures I was able to discreetly snap using my BlackBerry. So here goes.

Saturday Morning. 4am. I wake up, stumble out of my bed and into the shower, and before I know it, the town car was outside to take me to LAX. A little after 7, I was on a plane to New York City. The flight was about six hours, and since we were going across time zones, I got to New York around 3:30 in the afternoon. This took a minute for me to wrap my brain around, since I was still sleep deprived and in a jet lagged haze. By the time I got my head together, I was in the back of another town car in the middle of Times Square. It's a little surreal to wake up in a (albeit swanky) little neighborhood in LA and then hours later be in the center of the busiest city in the world. But I mean, that's what sums up the last few months of my life: surreal. Anyway, I get dropped off at the hotel that everyone from MTV was staying at, The W Times Square, without much time to spare before I needed to get to work. So I ran in, threw my bag down on the bed, briefly admired the view, and was off to Radio City.


The View

Now, it's a well known fact that my sense of direction is basically non-existent, but The W is so close to Radio City that even I couldn't screw it up. It was almost 5:00, and Press had a walk through of the venue, so I rushed through the crowded streets and made it there just in time. We were taken through the MTV press compound, the general press room, the house, and the red carpet. It was so nuts to recognize the venue from past VMAs, and see the whole thing from behind the scenes. Then I got my credentials, which I'll admit, was really exciting.


Credentials!

After all of that, we were all dismissed, but I stayed back for a few to talk to my bosses to make sure we were all set for the next day, and to just sort of take the whole thing in. Then it was off to MTV Headquarters, the historic 1515 Broadway. We ended up working there until 3am, finalizing credentials and press releases and things like that. A lot of work, but I'm not about to complain. So worth every second of it. Plus, the offices had a sick view of Times Square.


Times Square




The view from 1515

I only got a few hours of sleep that night, but when I woke up, I was immediately so excited about it being the day of the show that I didn't feel tired at all. Some of the girls I was working with and I went to brunch at Blue Fin, and then it was back to Radio City. We got there and started sorting credentials and figuring out carpet placement for the media. Every so often, I'd sneak off into the house to get a peak at dress rehearsals with Katy Perry & Joe Perry (no relation), Pink, and Beyonce. I had my eyes peeled for Lady Gaga the whole day, but they were keeping her under wraps. Then we went a block down to the building that we were going to be doing press check in and holding all the people from the different media outlets in until it was time to line them up on the carpet (which also happened to be the Republican Women's Convention Center. Ummm...) Reporters and bloggers from over 150 different outlets came rolling in, and as the day wore on, and the streets outside Radio City filled up with fans wanting to catch a glimpse of their favorite stars on the red carpet, people started having a pretty hard time actually finding the building to check in at.

A few times, I had to actually hunt people down. They would say “Tynan, Marc Malkin from E! Is having trouble finding the place, we need you to go find him.” Me, who has no sense of direction whatsoever, and doesn't know how to get around New York at all. GREAT. So off I went into the streets of New York City, now packed with fans, trying to find one of the biggest entertainment bloggers in the business. Luckily I found him without much trouble. Now, getting him an all access cred was another challenge, since he wasn't technically 'talent.' So here's me, on the brink of a meltdown, trying not to screw things up or look like a complete ass. But he was really great to work with and had a sense of humor about the whole thing. We're basically BFFs now. I had to do the same thing with Trevor from JustJared as well. This is my job people.


The Red Carpet

So before long, we loaded everyone onto the red carpet, and the night began. My job on the red carpet was “photo running,” meaning working with a couple choice photographers and getting their memory cards to the photo editing room. Except there were so many of us doing it that I basically stood at the top of the carpet and helped with the flow of talent. Not a bad gig. I saw EVERYBODY. Oh my god. Seriously.


Paparazzi

Ok here's the quick gossip breakdown. Pink and Shakira were two people away from eachother on the carpet wearing THE SAME DRESS. Obvious travesty. They both had a great sense of humor about it and joked the whole time. I mentioned something about it out loud and Pink's publicist threatened me within an inch of my life and was only half kidding. Leighton Meester is the only person who can pull off looking like a total crack whore and really glamorous at the same time. I ran face first into Taylor Swift on the red carpet, oops. I guess that's karma for all of the shit I've talked about her this passed year. I'm not even a fan of hers, but she looked flawless, although I'm not convinced she hasn't already experimented with botox. Just saying. It was great to see the boys from 3OH!3 there, and nominated! It reminded me of my ZBT boys :-). Kristin Cavallari is a fucking snake. Taylor Lautner is the most gorgeous minor EVZ. It's excruciating. I literally thought I was going to die when Cobra Starship pulled up in a double-decker tour bus going like 80 miles an hour straight at me. I also thought I was going to die when Lady Gaga hit the carpet. She is the only person I got starstruck over. Once I heard “Lady Gaga has arrived” over my headset, I swear to god the world stopped turning for a sec. You think Chase Crawford is hot on Gossip Girl? Wait until you've seen him in person. Unreal. We locked eyes and it was like he tore my soul into pieces. Mmm. J.Lo and Marc Anthony came, but the paparazzi only wanted pictures of J.Lo alone, so Marc came over and stood next to me and rolled his eyes. HA. Shut up Marc, you're married to Jennifer F-ing Lopez, you have nothing to complain about. Stephani Pratt is my age and has had entirely too much work done. She was literally unrecognizable. And Perez Hilton is a parasite.

I snapped a few photos of people on the carpet. This one of Pink for Kassi:



And this one of Beyonce for Dee. I can't lie, the girl is fierce.



Some of the Zebes and my friend at San Fransisco State found these pictures of me on the red carpet. How funny is that?!




Nikki Hilton. I love that the camera caught me totally judging her outfit. Naturally.



Alessandra Ambrosio. I don't know, I guess she's a super model that models for Victoria Secret & the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. I guess that one's kind of lost on me.

I was lucky enough to get to see the show from inside the venue, since I was photo running and trouble shooting during the show. I was so happy because all of the performances were INCREDIBLE. So impressed with everyone. It was great to see Madonna (MADONNA!) (...and her huge hair) introduce the MJ tribute. And no, the Kanye thing wasn't staged.

It was a crazy night altogether, but wow, how amazing. After the show, I was SO tired and SO hungry, so much so that I turned down the after party in mid-town to get some food and get to sleep. (Me turn down an after party? I know right.) My friend Brendan, the founder of TheFacesOfUs.com, lives only a few blocks off of times square, so we went to an all night diner in Hell's Kitchen. After a huge burger and three pints of beer, I was feeling great. I ended up crashing at about 2am, and flew back to LA at 8 the next morning. What a weekend.

My Head Lately.

"You will never lose me to the wind."
(This is so much better on her album without the audience fucking laughing through the first part)


(Dave Matthew's Band i know I KNOW)

And most important...



!!!

I Feel It In My Bones...

So I survived my first week. Not even survived, but I feel like I handled it quite well. All in all, I am so happy with how it went. It's sort of odd that today is Labor Day and I have the day off, because I'm so anxious to jump right back into all of it. I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts though, since Sunday is the MTV Video Music Awards. It's bound to be a crazy week at the office. On top of that, MTV is sending a car for me at 5am Saturday morning so I can make my flight to NYC at 7 and be there by late afternoon. Surreal. It's no use trying to explain how crazy this all feels for me, so I wont. But damn.

Still no word from Monmouth. I'm still working on all of my schoolwork as if this isn't happening, so I'm hoping that counts for something, that it will swing fate or whatever.

My living situation is working out great. The lady who owns the house, Jacquie, and I get along wonderfully. She has four children who are all grown, and most of her family has been around lately too, whether they're just here on vacation or are living in the huge house temporarily, and they have all but adopted me as one of them. It's really great of them because at the end of the day, I'm just some random kid from the midwest renting a room. But they've really taken it upon themselves to make me one of them. Leave it to me to fall into Los Angeles high society by chance. Saturday night, we had a huge family dinner on the terrace, and Sunday we all went to church (at 8am no less) and then 'brunched' at a little inn in Topanga Canyon. After that, one of the daughters and I went to a movie, and then finished off the night with another big dinner. I wanted to take it easy this weekend so I opted not to go out, I just can't afford to be exhausted or sick for the upcoming week, so taking some time out with what seems to be my new second family (or third, or fourth) was more than fine.

I'm reading Valley of the Dolls right now. It seems appropriate.

People keep telling me how amazing this entire situation is, how lucky or deserving I am. Truth is, I really don't even think about it. If I do, I'll probably just freak myself out. And the dust hasn't settled yet either, I don't want to get ahead of myself. The only time I realize how weird it is, is on the weekends. It's not that I'm homesick, because I'm not, it's just weird to be out at some Hollywood bar and get a text from my best friend about what's happening at the nasty frat house, and realize I'd be just as happy to be there. That's where my heart is.

I'm so excited for what's to come, what with THE VMAs next weekend (that doesn't even seem real to me yet), and some of the new people who've made their way into my life, and really just the year in general, no matter how things turn out. I am so excited. I know there are still some battles I'm going to have to fight, but they'll come, and I'm ready. I think I've resigned myself to the fact that there isn't a “How To” book anymore. Not for my situation at least. Now I know I'm not super special and people take big risks like this everyday, but my point is, doing the four year college thing, that I knew how to do, and when I had questions, I knew where to go to get answers. Not anymore. But I'm ok with that. In some weird way it almost gives me confidence. I don't know if that even makes sense.

I don't know that I'll ever really get used to this.


High Lounge