Monday, December 14, 2009

You Don't Know How Lovely You Are...

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.


Ok NOW I'm just getting melodramatic, ha. Sorry, that song is playing right now and that part of it just seemed perfect. So there you have it.

This is all so crazy. And yet again it's all happening so fast. I'm surprisingly ok with all of it though. I think I am just forcing myself to focus on the positives, because if I don't, the negatives will swallow me whole.

Part of me, well, most of me, is so excited to go back. I mean, I'm super bummed about leaving MTV, but like I said...positives. It's just going to be weird telling people what happened, how it happened. Like, I don't owe anybody a fucking explanation, but at the same time, the situation does warrant questions. I'm leaving on good terms, and that's what I want to get across to everyone. That this is my decision, and if I went with the alternative, it wouldn't be a gamble, it'd be a suicide mission. And I can't do that, not while I'm still in school. If I already had my degree, this would be an entirely different conversation. But right now, I HAVE GOT to look out for myself.

One of my bosses put it best when he said "The only person who is gonna look out for Tynan, is Tynan." I mean, this was the same boss who cross-dressed as Lindsey Lohan for Halloween. At the office.

This is all just so frustrating. A lot of it sort of hit me while I was out last night, bad timing.

But really, if this had to happen, it's happening in the absolute best way possible. I am so lucky in that respect. I can get right back into school like I never left.

Mmm...I don't know. I have good feelings about this, I really do. This is not going back to square one. This is not a giant step back. This is me making sure I can move forward. And I guess in a way, this is me moving forward.

And still I can shake this feeling that I'm letting everyone down. My parents. Ugh. They were so amazing when I told them, but now they're going to have to answer the "Wait, doesn't your kid work at MTV? Not anymore? Why?!" questions. I've put them through so much this year, and they're willing to look past it all like it's nothing. And my friends. I feel like a lot of them had so much faith in me, and somehow this sort of looks like a failure. And my professors. My god, my professors. The same professors who fought so hard for me to be able to get out here and do all of this. I feel terrible. It seems so ungrateful.

Some things are just bigger than a really cool job title, than an amazing job. There comes a point where you can't be ashamed of what you're worth, when you have to be okay with admitting that you're worth more than the nations biggest cable network. Out here, you really have to know who the fuck you are, because if you don't people will try and tell you. And they'll be wrong, but you might not know it.

I'm just thankful that I'm realizing that this is the time for me to go. I could so see myself holding on to it, and losing everything a few months down the line.

I leave Thursday morning. My Dad is flying out to LA and we're DRIVING back. Oh my god.

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