This blog really sucks, haha :-) I expected to to be so much different than it is. And I'm hoping that in the future, it will suck less. Maybe if I think it sucks, I should stop blogging...
but then again, maybe not.
I was messaging my fav Professor and good friend Susan Van Kirk, and I told her something that happened this week that I've been thinking about a lot lately, well, in the past few days. I don't know exactly what it was that did it (it was one specific instance, I wish I could pin down what exactly it was) but at some point this week, everything got put back into perspective for me. The full spectrum of what is actually going on really hit me, again. Leaving school, my home, family, and best friends who I consider my family and moving to LA to peruse this job while still finishing my senior year on time. All of it. I tend to section off my life to help me keep it organized; work, school, family, friends, it just helps me keep things straight. But I'm finally seeing it for what it is, for the first time in a while. It's not bad. It's not good. It's just, crazy. There's just so much gravity to it, and most of the time I don't feel it.
UGH wait. Did that sound like I was bragging or being pretentious? I hope not. I constantly find me asking myself that question “did that make me sound like an ass?” I think it's just because I hear these people talking themselves up all the time and bragging and just being generally douchey, and I really don't want to be that. I don't think it's an LA thing, I think you'll find assholes anywhere you go, right?
It really trips me out that it's already almost Halloween. Because that means it's almost November. This year is going so fast, and I'm not even realizing it. God. All I want to do is make it to graduation in once piece. Monmouth isn't making it easy for me either. I just don't want to fuck this up.
Typically, I hate talking on the phone. I'm much more of a texter. There are just so few people that I can actually carry on a normal conversation with over the phone. But today I talked to Kassi for an hour and a half on the phone today. I talked to Matt for half an hour. Both of those are not abnormal at all because they are two of my best friends and that's pretty normal for us, but today it was extra good. I don't know why, I was just soaking up the sound of their voices more than ever today. It just FEELS so good to hear them. I don't know. I'm so queer.
I'm not homesick, I don't get homesick. I don't miss home (that may be a bit of a lie, there are some things I miss about Monmouth terribly) but in general, I'm fine. I think it's just that, with the way that everything happened, I'm caught in this weird nine month inbetween, like, I'm not a college graduate, but I'm a full time employee of MTV. I'm still a college student, but I'm not a “college student.” All of my friends are living their senior year at school and I'm living this crazy adventure of everything I ever wanted to achieve. And it's great! It's all so great. It's just, I think I'm finally finding a way to put into words all of this dissonance I sometimes feel. Sure, sometimes I'm bummed out that I can't be with my best friends, but I wouldn't be bummed out if we all didn't love each other so much, right? So even when it sucks, I'm lucky. I'm so lucky.